Is your business booming and you just can’t stand all the activity? Are you sick and tired of depositing vast sums of money into your bank account every day? Are you worn out from all the customer requests pouring into your customer service lines? If so, here are 9 sure-fire marketing tricks guaranteed to choke off that flood of money, silence the phones and eliminate customers.
1. Be Confusing
Use big words and complex sentences in all your sales copy.
Good sales copy is written at an 8th grade level.
Great sales copy at a 6th-grade level.
Therefore, if you want to close the sales spigot, endeavor to liberally sprinkle your verbiage with the elevated syntax most common to personages of exalted educational status and lofty academic credentials.
In other words, confuse your prospects and they will stop bothering you.
But if that doesn’t work…
2. Be Confused
Make no effort to understand your ideal customer.
Do you know exactly who would benefit most from your offering? If so, forget it right now!
You should have No Specific Person in mind when you create your marketing materials
In fact, you should have No Specific Person in mind when you create your marketing materials. This will help to make your message so vague, so bland and so generic that it will be instantly forgettable! And that’s a win for everyone.
Do this and the phones will stop ringing for sure.
Just to be sure though…
3. We Don’t Need No Stinking Benefits!
Eliminate any hint of a benefit to your prospects.
People want a better, easier, happier life. They want to ease their pain and soothe their fears. So do not reveal any possible benefit your offering may give to your prospects.
Doing so will only make them want what you offer.
And while we’re talking about your offer. Do yourself a favor and…
4. Like, Whatever Man…
Remove any obvious call to action when you communicate to prospects.
If your target audience doesn’t know what you want them to do, they probably won’t guess it.
Peace and quiet in the office.
And speaking of “quiet”…
5. See No Evil, Hear No Evil
Do not respond to any contact with your prospects.
If – in spite of your worst efforts – you still manage to stimulate interest in your offering, killing that interest is easy-peasy. To borrow an idea from Nike…
Just. Do. Nothing.
One of the most damaging things you can do in your quest for a quieter life is to maintain contact with your prospects. Doing so will give them the mistaken belief that you care.
Once you start doing that, they will trust you. And right after they trust you, they’ll start making demands. “Sell me this! Sell me that! Shut up and take my money!”
You can avoid all that by having absolutely no follow-up plans in place.
That’ll take care of your prospects. But what about your current customers?
6. Limit Their Options
Give your customers only one way to be involved with your business.
Just because a customer bought something from you once is no reason to offer them other things to buy from you.
If you keep supplying their needs and wants, they will grow emotionally attached to you.
Or worse – they might refer their friends.
Oh, and here’s another way to make everyone go away…
7. Just the Facts, Ma’am
Avoid appealing to their emotions or passions.
Always speak to their left brain using logic, reason, facts and data.
Never speak to the right brain by using emotion, stories, analogies or by appealing to their identity.
This technique squashes interest the way cowboy boots with those big pointy toes squash cockroaches.
If you go around sticking genuine emotion and honest passion into your marketing, your prospects might begin to engage with you. And the next step after engagement is conversion.
They become needy, wanting stuff from you at all hours of the day and night and even on weekends.
Purge from your marketing any hint of an appeal to their emotions or to their passions. Businesses who engage in that sort of foolishness tend to inspire emotional, passionate loyalty in their customers.
And you know what happens when you do that, right?
The phone just won’t quit ringing…
But if none of that works, pull out the big guns…
8. Insult Them
Use fake emotions.
Advertising with fake emotions is a subtle insult to the intelligence of your audience. And nothing is as phony as a cheesy ad. (And nothing is as compelling as genuine emotion.)
Insult your audience with pretentious advertising and you cannot help but make them hate you. Prospects who hate you will stop bothering you forever.
But just for good measure…
9. Ignore Them
Just because a prospect expresses interest once doesn’t mean you have to maintain your side of the relationship.
If you maintain regular contact, your prospects will start to think you care.
Even worse, if you address their specific needs, they are likely to make the conversion from “prospect” to “customer.”
And you know where that leads…
You’ll be filling orders late into the night and working weekends.
And no one wants that.
There you have it. 9 fool-proof, easy-to-implement marketing tricks guaranteed to drive away prospects, irritate customers and reduce business to a trickle. Use any one of these and you’ll be able to turn off the lights promptly at 5:00pm every day. Use all of them and you won’t even need to turn the lights on in the morning.